\twocolumn[
  \title{\bf The Illick-Rockhard-Stones (IRS) Method For Culinographic Analysis Of Minerals}
  \author{
    Ligma Stones$^{1,2}$\\
    Ilick Rocks-Asajob$^{1,2}$\\
    Gilderoy Rockhard$^{3}$
  }
  \date{\today}
  % List of institutions
  \maketitle
  $^{1}$ Department for lab safety, Karlsruhe institute of suffering and sorrow (KISS), Karlsruhe, Germany \\
  $^{2}$ Chair of rock science, Karlsruhe institute of suffering and sorrow (KISS), Karlsruhe, Germany \\
  $^{3}$ Random undergrad we blackmailed
  \begin{psummary}
    It is well known fact in the scientific commuinity that geologists frequently
    lick rocks to determine their mineral composition. With this paper we aim
    to formalize this procedure and establish a baseline scale to enable
    geologists to classify their favourite rocks on this culinographic scale.
  \end{psummary}
  \vspace{2mm}
]
\fancypagestyle{firstpage}{%
  \lhead{Yummy}
  \rhead{Journal of Immaterial Science}
}
\thispagestyle{firstpage}

% The introduction
\section{Introduction}
For millennia scientists have been using culinographic methods to determine the composition
of various minerals. However there is no well defined scale to quantify and
categorize the complex tastes involved.

\begin{figure}[h]
  \centering
  \includegraphics[width=\linewidth]{img/ancient_egyptians.png}
  \hfill
  \caption{An ancient Egyptian geologists sampling a rock with
    complementary HCL}
  \hfill
\end{figure}

This research not only presents a novel metric for culinographically
categorizing and analyzing various minerals but also applies this scale
to some of the most elementary of all rocks.

\section{Choice of sample material}
To establish the metric, it hat do first be crystallized out which tastes
the metric should take into account. It is thus required to culinographically
analyze some of the more important mineral samples. After careful selection~\cite{Sto}
the following samples have been selected to enable developing
an objective culinographic scale and grading these most elementary minerals on this novel scale.
\begin{enumerate}
  \item \textbf{Pop rocks}\\
        although difficult to obtain in Europe where this research is based,
        Pop rocks seem to be the standard for any type of geological analysis in the US.\@
        They will thus be used as a baseline comparison in this research.

  \item \textbf{``Rock''}\\
        Sold to us by ``Skinny Pete''\cite{SkinnyP}, he told us this was ``like the best
        rock in town dude, trust me bro''. Since this rock seems to bear importance in
        modern society it has been included in this analysis.
        \begin{center}
          \begin{figure}[h]
            \centering
            \hfill
            \includegraphics[width=0.45\linewidth]{img/Crack.png}
            \hfill
            \vspace{3mm}
            \caption{The sample provided by Mr.\ Pete}
            \hfill
          \end{figure}
        \end{center}

  \item \textbf{Dwayne ``The Rock'' Johnson}\\
        Although of high cultural significance, ``The Rock'' is quite difficult to obtain.
        After repeated attempts to get a hold of this extremely rare substance the research team
        tasked with this has been told to ``bugger of you bunch of drunken morons or I'll call
        the police''. No further attempts have been made.

  \item \textbf{Frank}\\
        Frank is a random rock sourced from the university parking lot. Frank has been included
        in this analysis because randomness is probably good for statistics~\cite{Rumsey2011}.
\end{enumerate}

After clarifying the exact basis for the following procedure, each of the samples will be classified, enabling
the development of the most important characteristics in mineral analysis.

\section{Sample characterization}
According to standard in culinographic analysis, each of the samples was tested in multiple
ways:\\
The classic way --- Dissolve the sample in HCL and taste the resulting solution.\\
The ``cool'' way --- Heat the mineral until a significant reaction occurs, inhale the resulting fumes\\
The easy way --- Chew the sample and analyse the taste.\\
In the following section a description of each sample utilizing each of the aforementioned
analysis methods will be given.

\subsection{Pop rocks}
\textbf{Classic Method}\\
After dissolving 1g of Pop rocks in 20ml of 1$\frac{\text{mMol}}{l}$ HCL, Mr.\ Rockhard
has been blackmailed to taste and analyse the solution. The taste has been described as
``horrific'', ``super sour'', ``metallic'', ``kinda like super cheap Sprite I guess''.
This does not come as a surprise since the samples composition is quite similar to
that of Sprite, whose only difference is its higher sugar content.\\
It has been concluded that a metric for acidity and a metric for metallicness is required.\\
\textbf{``cool'' Method}\\
Heating the sample to about $200^\circ C$ yielded not only a brown mass but also a thick
black fume. The fume has been described as ``Dude, this gives me cancer like for sure'' and
``*gag* *cough* *cough*''.\\
It can be concluded that a metric for ``cancerous'' should be factored in.\\
\textbf{Easy Method}\\
Pop Rocks taste sweet. Like what were you expecting, they are basically lumps of sugar you
moron.

\subsection{Rock}
\textbf{Classic Method}\\
After combining 0.5g of ``rock'' with 1ml of 1 molar HCL, the solution was diluted with
10ml of $\text{H}_2\text{O}$. Unfortunately the whole sample dissolved and reacted to form
the corresponding hydrochloride salt, which was confiscated by the lab supervisor for ``research purposes''.\\
\textbf{``cool'' Method}\\
The remaining 10g of the sample have been equally distributed into two professional laboratory
grade crack pipes and tested according to the method mentioned above. One of the participants
can not remember what exactly happened and described the experience as a ``normal Friday
night with the boys''. The other participant is still in hospital.\\
It can be concluded that a metric for lethality is required to culinographically categorize rocks.\\
\textbf{Easy Method}\\
Whilst analyzing the sample using the last method, all of it has been used up making
further analysis impossible.

\subsection{Dwayne ``The rock'' Johnson}
Due to the inability to obtain this sample no further tests could be performed.

\subsection{Frank}
\textbf{Classic Method}\\
The sample was insoluble in concentrated HCL.\\
\textbf{``cool'' Method}\\
Even after extensive heating the sample did not gas off or melt. It is suspected that the
faulty lab burner might have been the issue here.\\
\textbf{Easy Method}\\
Even though still in hospital, Mr.\ Rockhard was able to test the sample. It has been described
as being ``ouch'' and ``rock hard dude''. At this point it is not known whether the sample
did indeed possess a high toughness or if it was merely an attribute to Mr.\ Rockhards
weakness.\\
It can be concluded that a metric for solubility and toughness may be required.

\section{Qualitative analysis}
After analyzing a broad collection of sample data, it has been concluded that the
categories outlined in figure~\ref{raw_diagram} are required in order to fully characterize any mineral. The values have been normalized enabling easy comparison.

\begin{figure}[h]
  \input{diagrams/raw}
  \caption{A nice diagram we made!}\label{raw_diagram}
\end{figure}
The following diagrams give the values determined for each of the samples. Since the samples
are representative of all rocks this will allow categorizing and analyzing a wide variety
of minerals, finally opening up the scientific field of culinography to the geological
community.

\begin{figure}[h]
  \input{diagrams/poprocks.tex}
  \caption{The IRS method applied to Pop Rocks}
\end{figure}

\begin{figure}[h]
  \input{diagrams/rock.tex}
  \vspace{3mm}
  \caption{The IRS method applied to ``Rock''}
\end{figure}

\begin{figure}[h]
  \input{diagrams/Frank.tex}
  \caption{The IRS method applied to Frank from the parking lot. The sample 
  has been found to be quite lethal~\cite{bibel}.}
\end{figure}

\section{Conclusion}
The research presented in this paper marks a new chapter in the history
of geology by enabling access to a novel and highly effective scientific 
method for classification and analysis of various minerals. It will forever
change how geological research is conducted as ``rock licking'' will no 
longer be a subject of mockery but a valid analytical tool.\\
The invaluable data provided here can be used not only to establish a 
baseline for the IRS scale but to enable further research into the subject
and deepen the knowledge and taste buds of humankind.

\section{Acknowlegements and funding}
We would kindly like to thank Mr.\ Pete for financing the most important
part of this project by giving away a free product sample. We would also
like to thank the undergrad who introduced us to Skinny Pete.\\
Finally we acknowledge the hard work of Mr.\ Rockhard. He sacrificed himself
for the cause of science. We would also like to point out that in no way are
we reliably or in any way responsible for Mr.\ Rockhards overdose.

\printbibliography[]
