194 lines
8.9 KiB
TeX
194 lines
8.9 KiB
TeX
\twocolumn[
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\title{\bf The Illick-Rockhard-Stones (IRS) Method For Culinographic Analysis Of Minerals}
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\author{
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Ligma Stones$^{1,2}$\\
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Ilick Rocks-Asajob$^{1,2}$\\
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Gilderoy Rockhard$^{3}$
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}
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\date{\today}
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% List of institutions
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\maketitle
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$^{1}$ Department for lab safety, Karlsruhe institute of suffering and sorrow (KISS), Karlsruhe, Germany \\
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$^{2}$ Chair of rock science, Karlsruhe institute of suffering and sorrow (KISS), Karlsruhe, Germany \\
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$^{3}$ Random undergrad we blackmailed
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\begin{psummary}
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It is well known fact in the scientific commuinity that geologists frequently
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lick rocks to determine their mineral composition. With this paper we aim
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to formalize this procedure and establish a baseline scale to enable
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geologists to classify their favourite rocks on this culinographic scale.
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\end{psummary}
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\vspace{2mm}
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]
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\fancypagestyle{firstpage}{%
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\lhead{Yummy}
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\rhead{Journal of Immaterial Science}
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}
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\thispagestyle{firstpage}
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% The introduction
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\section{Introduction}
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For millennia scientists have been using culinographic methods to determine the composition
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of various minerals. However there is no well defined scale to quantify and
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categorize the complex tastes involved.
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\begin{figure}[h]
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\centering
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\includegraphics[width=\linewidth]{img/ancient_egyptians.png}
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\hfill
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\caption{An ancient Egyptian geologists sampling a rock with
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complementary HCL}
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\hfill
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\end{figure}
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This research not only presents a novel metric for culinographically
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categorizing and analyzing various minerals but also applies this scale
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to some of the most elementary of all rocks.
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\section{Choice of sample material}
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To establish the metric, it hat do first be crystallized out which tastes
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the metric should take into account. It is thus required to culinographically
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analyze some of the more important mineral samples. After careful selection~\cite{Sto}
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the following samples have been selected to enable developing
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an objective culinographic scale and grading these most elementary minerals on this novel scale.
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\begin{enumerate}
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\item \textbf{Pop rocks}\\
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although difficult to obtain in Europe where this research is based,
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Pop rocks seem to be the standard for any type of geological analysis in the US.\@
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They will thus be used as a baseline comparison in this research.
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\item \textbf{``Rock''}\\
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Sold to us by ``Skinny Pete''\cite{SkinnyP}, he told us this was ``like the best
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rock in town dude, trust me bro''. Since this rock seems to bear importance in
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modern society it has been included in this analysis.
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\begin{center}
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\begin{figure}[h]
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\centering
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\hfill
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\includegraphics[width=0.45\linewidth]{img/Crack.png}
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\hfill
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\vspace{3mm}
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\caption{The sample provided by Mr.\ Pete}
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\hfill
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\end{figure}
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\end{center}
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\item \textbf{Dwayne ``The Rock'' Johnson}\\
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Although of high cultural significance, ``The Rock'' is quite difficult to obtain.
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After repeated attempts to get a hold of this extremely rare substance the research team
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tasked with this has been told to ``bugger of you bunch of drunken morons or I'll call
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the police''. No further attempts have been made.
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\item \textbf{Frank}\\
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Frank is a random rock sourced from the university parking lot. Frank has been included
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in this analysis because randomness is probably good for statistics~\cite{Rumsey2011}.
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\end{enumerate}
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After clarifying the exact basis for the following procedure, each of the samples will be classified, enabling
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the development of the most important characteristics in mineral analysis.
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\section{Sample characterization}
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According to standard in culinographic analysis, each of the samples was tested in multiple
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ways:\\
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The classic way --- Dissolve the sample in HCL and taste the resulting solution.\\
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The ``cool'' way --- Heat the mineral until a significant reaction occurs, inhale the resulting fumes\\
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The easy way --- Chew the sample and analyse the taste.\\
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In the following section a description of each sample utilizing each of the aforementioned
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analysis methods will be given.
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\subsection{Pop rocks}
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\textbf{Classic Method}\\
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After dissolving 1g of Pop rocks in 20ml of 1$\frac{\text{mMol}}{l}$ HCL, Mr.\ Rockhard
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has been blackmailed to taste and analyse the solution. The taste has been described as
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``horrific'', ``super sour'', ``metallic'', ``kinda like super cheap Sprite I guess''.
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This does not come as a surprise since the samples composition is quite similar to
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that of Sprite, whose only difference is its higher sugar content.\\
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It has been concluded that a metric for acidity and a metric for metallicness is required.\\
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\textbf{``cool'' Method}\\
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Heating the sample to about $200^\circ C$ yielded not only a brown mass but also a thick
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black fume. The fume has been described as ``Dude, this gives me cancer like for sure'' and
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``*gag* *cough* *cough*''.\\
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It can be concluded that a metric for ``cancerous'' should be factored in.\\
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\textbf{Easy Method}\\
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Pop Rocks taste sweet. Like what were you expecting, they are basically lumps of sugar you
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moron.
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\subsection{Rock}
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\textbf{Classic Method}\\
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After combining 0.5g of ``rock'' with 1ml of 1 molar HCL, the solution was diluted with
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10ml of $\text{H}_2\text{O}$. Unfortunately the whole sample dissolved and reacted to form
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the corresponding hydrochloride salt, which was confiscated by the lab supervisor for ``research purposes''.\\
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\textbf{``cool'' Method}\\
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The remaining 10g of the sample have been equally distributed into two professional laboratory
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grade crack pipes and tested according to the method mentioned above. One of the participants
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can not remember what exactly happened and described the experience as a ``normal Friday
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night with the boys''. The other participant is still in hospital.\\
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It can be concluded that a metric for lethality is required to culinographically categorize rocks.\\
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\textbf{Easy Method}\\
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Whilst analyzing the sample using the last method, all of it has been used up making
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further analysis impossible.
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\subsection{Dwayne ``The rock'' Johnson}
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Due to the inability to obtain this sample no further tests could be performed.
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\subsection{Frank}
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\textbf{Classic Method}\\
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The sample was insoluble in concentrated HCL.\\
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\textbf{``cool'' Method}\\
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Even after extensive heating the sample did not gas off or melt. It is suspected that the
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faulty lab burner might have been the issue here.\\
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\textbf{Easy Method}\\
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Even though still in hospital, Mr.\ Rockhard was able to test the sample. It has been described
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as being ``ouch'' and ``rock hard dude''. At this point it is not known whether the sample
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did indeed possess a high toughness or if it was merely an attribute to Mr.\ Rockhards
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weakness.\\
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It can be concluded that a metric for solubility and toughness may be required.
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\section{Qualitative analysis}
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After analyzing a broad collection of sample data, it has been concluded that the
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categories outlined in figure~\ref{raw_diagram} are required in order to fully characterize any mineral. The values have been normalized enabling easy comparison.
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\begin{figure}[h]
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\input{diagrams/raw}
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\caption{A nice diagram we made!}\label{raw_diagram}
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\end{figure}
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The following diagrams give the values determined for each of the samples. Since the samples
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are representative of all rocks this will allow categorizing and analyzing a wide variety
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of minerals, finally opening up the scientific field of culinography to the geological
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community.
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\begin{figure}[h]
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\input{diagrams/poprocks.tex}
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\caption{The IRS method applied to Pop Rocks}
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\end{figure}
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\begin{figure}[h]
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\input{diagrams/rock.tex}
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\vspace{3mm}
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\caption{The IRS method applied to ``Rock''}
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\end{figure}
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\begin{figure}[h]
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\input{diagrams/Frank.tex}
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\caption{The IRS method applied to Frank from the parking lot. The sample
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has been found to be quite lethal~\cite{bibel}.}
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\end{figure}
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\section{Conclusion}
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The research presented in this paper marks a new chapter in the history
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of geology by enabling access to a novel and highly effective scientific
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method for classification and analysis of various minerals. It will forever
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change how geological research is conducted as ``rock licking'' will no
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longer be a subject of mockery but a valid analytical tool.\\
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The invaluable data provided here can be used not only to establish a
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baseline for the IRS scale but to enable further research into the subject
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and deepen the knowledge and taste buds of humankind.
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\section{Acknowlegements and funding}
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We would kindly like to thank Mr.\ Pete for financing the most important
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part of this project by giving away a free product sample. We would also
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like to thank the undergrad who introduced us to Skinny Pete.\\
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Finally we acknowledge the hard work of Mr.\ Rockhard. He sacrificed himself
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for the cause of science. We would also like to point out that in no way are
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we reliably or in any way responsible for Mr.\ Rockhards overdose.
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\printbibliography[]
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